Dear Minister,

I hope you’ll make time to read moi heartfelt letter ta you as you prowl the telly measuring amongst other things, the length of skirts that allegedly cover cheerleaders, offensive adult stuff etc ta keep us safe from the ill affects of the idiot box.

I appreciate that a lot.

This morning as I simultaneously brushed moi teeth, ironed out the creases in them trousers, balked at the hideous wig that Rani wore in some inane song, these words in the ticker that crawled at the bottom of moi TV Screen caught moi eye:

“MTV has received a warning from the Ministry of Information and Broadcast for airing the latest Axe ad and breaching the code of advertising. MTV apologises etc etc…”

I simultaneously rubbed moi eyes to make sure I’d read it right…hell I was…hail 20-20 vision…

I am happy that the ministry finally saw through the ulterior motives of the misleading ad—making fools outta impressionable sods like yours truly! I remember moi days as a college student in the not-so-recent past, bathing more in Axe than the polluted water that the local administration provided. In the lame hope that them girls will swoon all over moi pleasant smelling self…Nada!

In fact, I was disheartened ta read some research somewhere that women are attracted to *natural* odors that we men exude. Holy S***. All that money I’d splurged, eked outta moi meager pocket money, went down a drain overflowing with Axe. Thankfully, I returned to being my normal smelly self pronto. Did them girls swoon?

Moi lips are sealed.

You did them in….these Axe guys…how long would they be allowed to grind their axe on some unsuspecting sod’s behind?

Let me draw your attention to another genre of ads that them ad agencies have unleashed on our brethren. In course of your avid telly viewing, I am sure you musta come across them ads advertising toilet cleaners.

The ones where smooth talking guys in virgin white over alls barge into homes straight to them toilets…splash around the gooey blue liquid and voila them commodes shine as bright as them photoshopped stars. Not ta forget them beaming housewives who bear the same expression moi face has after I get ta relieve moi bladder in moi sparkling clean western-style commode.

The point is them ads are shown bang on time whenever moi settles down for supper. The sight of them dotted commodes kill moi appetite. I don’t feel like eating anymore. I wonder if that poor rich girl Kareena Kapoor chanced upon these appetite killer ads everytime she settled in for good ole Punjabi food. See what has become of her—size zero tsk tsk! On the same note, it is obvious that the seniors of the Kapoor clan skip telly while munching on food.

Good manners I say.

If you happen ta switch channels to them harbingers of breaking news…you would’ve heard that Rice woman talking about the growing food problems and the better intake of food in developing countries like India.

Minister ji, do you see a pattern here?

Some treacherous ad agency is working hand-in-glove with the foreign hand to collectively kill our national appetite for wholesome food.

Isn’t that a tight slap on the very face of our democracy?

For how long will we put up with the very sight of dirty toilets as we eat?

I beseech you to ban these unclean ads asap!

Will keep you posted about other ads that conspire against our great motherland.

Jai Hind!

Yours truly,

PF